I Love You
by shinigamiinochi
Summary: a poem about love, loss, and finding love again. Mature/disturbing content 1x2


An AU Poem from Duo's point of view

1x2, evil Relena

Original: I Love You (a tale of love and existence from a boy with a dissociative disorder)

Look across the straits

Ocean caressing the shore

And here comes the rain

Hitting the sea, unnoticed

A grey sky

No life on this lonely beach

A gray morning

Oh, if I only could touch the sky

Black clouds in mourning

Of something no one can tell

Waves no longer caressing, but slamming

Claiming bits of the cliff I am standing on as its own

Sand turns to mud

And grass is slick with the raindrops

Heavens' tears

In a place called home

Looking over this cliff

To the drowning sea below

I sit there, not moving

Feeling the rain smooth over my

Chilled skin

No one is here in the lonely place called home

No one but the rain

The clouds

And the sea

Why can people not see

The vulnerability in me?

I want to be free…

You will never truly know me

And even if you could

I am sure you would

Desert me then, no?

And yet, and yet

I wish to fly

Into that dark, painful sky

The fey in me wants to soar…

So before you close that door

Please, I beg

Just think, just think

What was all the lies for?

As the tears flow

And my soul loses whatever glow

I had possessed before

Before you run away

I just wish for a day

Yeah, you will never truly know me

You never really tried

And as I cried

You asked me why

Could even you not see

This horrible vulnerability?

I split open my veins for you

Yet you still can not see what is true…

That I have always loved you

Though my shield, my mask

Covers these truths…

Yeah, you never tried

Instead found it easier to lie

If I told you

Would you leave

While I sit here and grieve?

Or stay

While I lay

Slowly dying

From my insides?

I am too scared

For my heart is bared

I wonder if you ever truly cared

I sink down

You never desired to see

The death in me

Or was that another conceit?

I open the door

And wish forever more

That you could see

The vulnerability in me

It's cold in here

The wind is howling like a great, black wolf

The planks creak loudly

The noise of rot makes me nervous

There is a carcass of a rat in the left corner of the room

I ate as much meat off it was I could

I'm afraid to throw it away

Lest the vultures come for me as well

The dust clogs my throat

Choking me

The sounds of the night keep me awake

A scream, a car alarm, cursing, screeching

Pain

Misery

Things I will never escape

It's so cold

Someone broke the windows

The wind invades

My stomach growls but my hunger for love is more deafening

The rats are my only companions

Only they see my tears

I wish to forget there things, for only a second

If I could… I would be free

The cold chills my bones

But it is the hunger that kills

The vultures always descend

There is nothing here

And this is what scares me

Dust, golden remains of shattered dreams

All is forgotten, but not by me

'Cause I remember everyone that leaves

The darkness is settling in the edges of my reality

All is over and past

I can no longer see what I had once tried to grasp

I'm alone even as people surround me

Time passes along, leaving me in this place

People speak, but I am met with only silence

Even the brightest light is pale

I can't see any life here, not even my own

Desolation lingers amongst the shadows

Happiness has deserted me only to be replaced by black crows

Fluttering on to the dust-covered rafters

And I find myself longing for something to last through the night

Grasping for the remains of a golden-shattered dream

I sit here in an empty place

Others pass me by

I am grasping for something that only I can see

No one ever thinks to tell me

That there is nothing there

But they don't know

What really lies beyond stained windows

I am the only one who remembers

All that leaves…

I love you

Though it something I can never admit

It's a cruel secret

Life's cruelest promises

Not because I know I'll never be able to say it

Not because I know you will never accept it

Because I've spent my life drowning out the feelings

Only to fall so hard at the sight of

Bright blue eyes

I don't need such promises as

I love you

I'll always be with you

Such things, are all so useless

We all die just the same

We all suffer

There is no peace, no pleasure, only pain

All I need is this blade in my hand

Curled up, shining, between my pale

Slim fingertips

I shiver, I shudder

But the blood will soothe all my chills and aches

The cut of love, the cut of steel

It's the exact same pain

Only, this I can control

But love controls me

So I drown it out in this way

It's a pain called love

No one needs love

Not me, not you, not she

I don't need it

For I can lie to myself

If I lie, does love still exist, can I push it down?

Or does it lie there still, dormant?

If I lie to myself that there is no love

Is that the same lie as saying

I have control?

It doesn't matter

It kills my heart the same way

Who is that boy in the mirror?

The one with the hollow eyes and emaciated shoulders

The one with 256 scars on each arm, but let's not forget

The thighs

Who is that boy in the mirror?

The one with no hope in flat irises

The one with skin of pale, it seemed lifeless

Who is that boy in the mirror?

It can't be me

I'm not crazy

He smiles at me, but it is an empty smile

Devoid of life

Who is that boy in the mirror?

It isn't me, this I know

If it were me, why would he be smiling?

I have nothing to smile about

I'm not crazy, I'm not

I don't care if these razors are soaked in blood

I am not stuck in there, hidden behind glass

He's the crazy one

He's the one who picks up the razor and caresses snowy

Skin with its blade, leaving pouring crimson trails

In its wake

Who is that boy in the mirror?

It's not me

'Cause I don't exist

I smash the mirror

He isn't smiling anymore

He walked through the crowded streets

Alone

Un-noticed

No one whispered at his ragged appearance

No one laughed and gawked as they used to

They walked on unseeing

And he wished they would

Though their words stung and burned and cut

It was much better than the lonely ache of nothingness

He wished his arms were a bit longer

So that he could cut the strings holding him

And see the one above

The one controlling his every step

The one controlling every thought

He wished to be away

To be anywhere but there

He wished for lots of things

He wished too long

And he wished too hard

And then he was…

Gone

No one blinked an eye

No one shed a tear

They didn't even notice

That that odd boy had disappeared

For who would know an absence

Of a stray shadow

Across the darkness?

Only you can take my pain away

Steal away my broken heart, please

Before it kills me anymore

Won't you at least pretend you see me?

Won't you try to take me away?

I want to die in your arms

But I know I will die all alone

I want to fall asleep to the sound of your voice

Rocking me gently

But, you just sit there and mock me

You only have eyes for her

Won't you smile for me, just once?

Just once before I perish into the darkness?

If I die tonight, will you care?

Will you sing to me as I cease to exist?

If I survive, I will speak my heart

If you toss me to the side, so be it

I'll die satisfied that you know

If you use me, I won't care

As long as you stay 'til the first rays of light

It'll give my soul some different pain

Which is just enough

I love you

So, what do you say?

Will you use me?

Or abandon me?

Will you lie and cheat just to spite?

Or drive the rusting knife deeper and deeper

Into my heart?

Tonight

Tonight, I will speak

No longer will this silence lead me

And I love you so

So please…

… let me stay

A pill and a drink

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Darkness slowly ascends

I want to own this darkness

This rapturous death

These forty little pills are the murderers, not I

Or is it you who is killing me?

I want this death, this murder, to be my own

Belonging to none but my own dark soul

Before I took the first, I sat and wondered

Why did this skin have to cover the pain?

11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20

I want to feel myself pouring onto to the floor

I almost remember smiling

When I was so naïve

And even then it was short-lived

As the door shut closed and tight

My heart finally knew

As you walked down the red carpet

These eyes that had cried

Were dry and barren

But as I gazed at that orange bottle

A new happiness was born

of a freedom

Which had been so far out of reach

Beyond that door

I wished so hard that they'd stop over

But I was left behind

As a not-even lingering thought

21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30

I was so lonely

As I went to sleep

I prayed that I would not open my eyes the next morning

I hoped for

Even a small 'hi' from you or them

Nothing came

but those blessed pills

31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40

The darkness is descending

Though we had shared blood and pain

I was merely

An unwanted specter

You would never again utter my name

I need to discard this anguish

I want this death to be only my own

A cut, a slash, my skin is like baby fat

And from them flows a crimson life

The knife drops with a clang

The elation

what occurred between us

Was more worthless than this filthy blood

If you had realized

The only true happiness with me now

I thank to the steel

And those forty little pills

my soul floats into the dark descent

The door slams

And I think

Death truly was

The only love to keep me

In an eternal, beautiful sleep

Drip drip drip

The noises break through

The twilight darkness

Drip drip drip

The ocean is haunted

She stands over my limp, bleeding corpse

A jagged shard of mirror, clutched in her

Boney hand

She grins at me

Her smile deep and wide

Like she has a private joke in her head

And is trying not to laugh

Her light brown hair curled in deep rivulets

Her olive eyes glow in the dim bathroom

Shadows squirm like writhing maggots in the mirror glass

My skin pulses with the squirming of parasites

She lifts the sharp glass

And slashes open her pale cheek

Hundreds of phiduppus workmani (jumping spider)

Erupt from the wound

To crawl over her delicate face

Still she grins

I wonder what that would be like

Such happiness

Centipedes begin to escape from the white tiles of the walls

Spreading out in great red arcs

Along the floor to slither over my toes

The woman (mommy)

Brings up the shard again and

Starts to cut along her hair line

And still the spiders emerge

When she is done

She grabs at her face with nails

Longer than I remember

And peels the skin off like paper off an adhesive

Leaving only red upon redredredredredredredred

She curls up the ghastly skin, spiders and all

Like a dripping tortilla

And stuffs it into her gaping mouth

Lined with shrapnel blades

And chews on it like old jerky

Her grinning lips

Like a clown's

All huge and glowing red

The dogs with jaws of metal move around me

As skinless crows land on her shoulders

Her blood pools and mingles with mine

On the floor

Clay-like flesh wraps around the wires tightening around my throat

And now

Downinthedarkdowninthedarkdowninthedark

             Screaming             screaming

He looks at me

A strange smile on his face

His happiness tears at me

Does that mean I am selfish?

/All humans are selfish/

His blue eyes, framed by his chocolate hair

Glint in the dark

He is here with me

No, he is there with her

His sweet, sweet princess, holding her perfect hands

No, he is here with me, in the dark, he is right here

His fingers trail down my bare arm

So lightly

Fingers with hooks

That tear open my skin

Exposing the worms for him to see

But he does not take his hand back

He's the one that lives in my head, in my dreams

He is the parasite beneath my flesh

As the hooks move down and down

I am happy

Happyhappyhappyhappysoveryhappy

The spiders crawl over my eyes until I am blinded

The last thing I see before I float down the stream are

His eyes, great sapphires

In my mind

Redhappinessinthedark

SCREAMINGSCREAMINGSCREAMING

I hear his voice

Calling for me

In the dark

It's endgame, now

Endgame, endgame

But still, in gentle grip

He opens his eyes

To white, white, white

To meet confused blue

He thrusts the rusted sword all the way into his chest

Aish'teru

Don't you know

Today is

The endgame for all lovers

Aozora no Namida

Blue Tears

Nai aozora no namida

No blue tears

Not today

Endgame on a Friday

But you forgot didn't you?

This isn't a fucking fairytale

And if it were

He's grown up on Japanese fairytales

And his only purpose is to save the princess

Don't you know?

In the real fairytales, the ones that really count

There is no happily ever after

There is just after

It's an endgame

But that doesn't mean that everything is gone

It's endgame

Now it's time to hit that restart button

The mirror is smashed

The mirror is replaced

Heero's POV

The day I met him, there was lightning in the sky

My life's been like that

I grew up on Japanese fairy tales

Where the white knight never marries the princess

He just protects her

And when his duty is done, he disappears from the story forever

I never even considered what would happen to me

When my fairy tale would end

So, when she called me up

Crying, begging for me to look after her

What choice did I have?

This was my permanent attitude

He was the only one that could make me see

My choices

But, for some reason, I could only see my own pain

Was his so shielded?

Or am I just oblivious?

I was oblivious to his and her feelings

Hell, I was even oblivious to my own

The day I met him, there was lightning in the sky

It sent silver streaks through his chestnut hair

I was supposed to fall in love with the blonde girl

But I was never one to follow rules

We had so much in common

The best of friends

I think that was why it was so easy for me

To fall for him

He knew all the things, all the secrets that she would never know

I should have realized all the things that went wrong

That day, he said 'goodbye' as I left to run to her aid

It sounded so final, yet still I left

The glass from the shattered mirror in the waste basket

_Fool me once_

The two pill bottles he had picked up that morning on the dresser

_Fool me twice_

The dead look in his eye despite his sweet smile

_Fool me thrice_

Was I really that stupid?

The message on the answering machine

Telling him of the 'good news' and warning him of the invitation in the mail…

I guess I really was oblivious, even she knew of my true feelings

The door clicking shut

Sounded just as final

I forgot my wallet

Such a stupid mistake

But that's the story of my life

All these mistakes

_Should have told him how I felt_

_Shouldn't have gone to her_

_Should have asked him about the mirror_

_Shouldn't have left him alone_

_Should've been smarter_

_Should should__ should…_

As I stepped into his room, I called out to him

He would know where my wallet is

I thought, he always did know where the things I lost were

He's just like that, knowing myself better than I ever did

He doesn't answer

But the bathroom door is open

And the smell

I notice the empty bottles first as I enter the room

Their labels stand out

White against crimson

20

20

_Twenty plus twenty is forty_

Anti-depressants

Take two once a day

The second is the razor

It's blade thick with rust

_Not rust, no not rust_

As mechanically as calling a mother

I dial 911

The women's voice in my ear is just as mechanical

I kneel down, my pants becoming soaked in his blood

Is this what he felt like?

This horrible loneliness?

My tan hand clutches his pale one

The contrast seems terrible

His beautiful violet eyes finally open

Clouded with death

He smiles at me

I finally let the tears fall

"Help coming" I promise him

I should have promised him that weeks ago

Back when this could have been fixed

_Should have should have should have…_

Am I too late?

I'm always too late

Strange, horrific shadows dance in his eyes

I can almost make them out if I stare hard enough…

Ghosts through a forest

He woke up

That one thing repeats in my mind over and over

They say if I had called ten minutes later

He never would have woken up again

My cell phone has twenty messages so far

Each from her

I deleted each and every one without listening

That doesn't matter anymore

I clutch his hand in mine, the color still bad, but not so scary

This is all that matters, I can deal with the rest later

Much, much later

Two weeks ago

He told me that life was a fairy tale

If I am the white knight, what does that make him?

Life is a fairy tale

But I grew up on the Japanese ones

And they never tell you what happens when the story ends

Some fairy tales don't come true

And that is just fine with me


End file.
